The Angry Type 2 Diabetic: You Are Enough...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

You Are Enough...

It's a long, and lonely walk... 

The air is cool, and heavy with the various smells of earth and sulfur; and night crawlers have begun to pepper the sidewalks with their icky slithering. Only the one or two headlights are seen, and the occasional paperboy might go by...  Sometimes, you might even see a cop car. It's 4:05 AM, and very few are the souls who share my 45 minute journey, once or twice or thrice a week, as I make my way to work down our town's main avenue.

I don't like the journey; yet I do.

For a single, lonely woman... It's a dark, and scary journey. Imagination gets the best of you and you think anything and everything will jump out of some bush, and get you. You think that the car that just abruptly stopped in front of you means to hurt you, when it's really just a paperboy... just doing his thing.

You even get a little whiny during the journey: If only I had a car... if only I had a better job... Why didn't I do my Master's when I had the chance... Why didn't I just become a lawyer when I had the chance.. Why couldn't I have found a rich husband, so I could just sit on my can, and eat bonbons all day... *Really*

(I didn't say ALL my whining would be rational...)

Still, the 45 minute journey is a necessary time of introspection, which might otherwise go very much avoided thanks to our gadget-obsessed lives. (Sure, I could meditate while exercising at a comfortable time of the day, but I might not be as willing to face my fears as when they are staring at me so blatantly in the face.)

Our fears and inadequacies often haunt us; derail us from goals. Sometimes, it's outright paralyzing.

I have to admit that I'm a very dysfunctional adult. I'm riddled with mistakes to fix; mountainous obstacles from self made messes which I'll need to climb on my own... I admit I'm scared...

  • Scared I'll never find a good career path, or even an inclination for one;
  • Scared I'll never fix my credit and medical bills;
  • Scared I'll never be loved and fully accepted;
  • Scared of my impending divorce;
  • Scared of not having health insurance;
  • Scared that I don't see myself as an adult;
  • Scared of being healthy, and in shape, for the first time ever... in my adult life. 

Yes... it's true. All those things about me are TRUE. And yes... they are often my lonely, dark roads. 

They are there to remind me that I need to love myself. That I, and only I... am enough. That even those roads have beautiful moments, smells, and memories... all waiting to be found and had. 

We may, sometimes, have support to deal with some of our fears... but some roads will require that we walk alone, and in self love.

"And, oh boy, Diabetes, I don't want to self love," I tell myself... I spent a good, long childhood, being ignored by my parents; and a good young adulthood being a hermit crab... Ah, why must I pay attention now? 

*Whine* 

Why must we dare to live, and have courage, and dream... And be vulnerable??  (Say no to the pushy woman, at work, with the box full of cookies...) 

Probably... because we are the biggest gift we could ever gift ourselves; WE... are the magic in our lives. And nothing else - NOTHING - will ever come close to that. 

I'll try my hardest not to let it slip by. 



7 comments:

  1. I just love reading your posts.

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  2. Amazing post, very well written. I've always told my kids that crap happens to everyone, it's how you react to the crap; how you deal with it that matters. It sounds to me like you have some great tools to deal with it. A great gift!!

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  3. Great post, Liz. This is incredibly well-written and insightful. Love the description of the early morning journey and how it gives you that needed time of introspection. Great stuff, my friend. Carry on.

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  4. I am dealing with an angry diabetic bird. he is in his late 39s and for the last 4 yrs he has been dealing with diabetes.
    I find that when his sugar is down he is rude, angry and unbearable.... I wish there was a 12 step program for an angry diabetic.
    crazy nothing is right.

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    1. I'm really sorry you're going through that. Low blood sugars are a BEAR to manage, and yes, they cause some erratic mood swings -- sometimes, beyond the control of the person.

      If your angry diabetic has frequent lows, it might be time for him revisit a plan with his medical team. It might just bee that he needs a medicine adjustment, or to better 'preemptively' plan for his lows, before they even happen.

      For example, if he has a common physical activity he does, every day, planning for a 15 gram of carbohydrate snack with some protein and fat, at an appropriate time, is going to be key to avoid having to treat a low, later.

      The closet things we have to 12 step programs are support groups... :) And finding one in your community for him can be a godsend too. He can vent/talk to others in his place, let some steam out, and find ways to help himself, without feeling 'policed.' :)

      Feel free to check out my most recent post, which is exactly on anger. :D "Are Diabetics Angry?

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