The Privilege of Living with Diabetes

Dear Beautiful Person (who happens to have diabetes),

Today, you are here. Is there a purpose to your being here? A universal, master purpose? Many claim to have the answer to this, but the honest response is that no one knows. The question is, in fact, irrelevant. You are here. That is a fact. Everything else is just speculation.

It matters not if it's an illusion, a grand plan, a godly design, or a happenchance. You are here.

And while you are here, think upon the magnitude of your existence: The last science knew, the universe was 13.8 billion years old. During much of that time, Earth was a big, hot mess. Life only began to evolve 3.5 billion years ago. Modern man, alone, has only existed for about 200,000 years...  and only in the last 30 years or so, have we seen vast improvements in industry, technology, education, science... and medicine.

Medicine.

If you would have been diagnosed with diabetes (of almost any type) back in the 1800s, it was most certainly a death sentence -- if not, a very challenging life.

Insulin wasn't discovered as a treatment for diabetes until the 1920s, thanks to Banting and Best, when many children were literally dying of malnutrition and emaciation. Banting had the heart to insist on not patenting their new-found medicine, so that it could reach as many as needed it.

Metformin was invented in the 1920s as well, and has been used in other countries since the 40s, and 50s. It was not, however, approved in the United States for use with type 2 diabetes until 1994! Yes, that is not a typo. 1994.

Back in the pre-insulin days, starvation was all people knew to do to control diabetes. To eat basically no carbohydrates, or really anything much -- as proteins and fats can also raise glucose (though, admittedly, to a lesser degree). Many simply died because it was so stressful -- or they just couldn't resist pinching food, while no one was watching.

It wasn't until the 1980s when a person with diabetes was able to monitor their levels, independently, and the first glucose monitors appeared. If they had insulin -- that was a good tool -- but if they didn't, all they knew to do was avoid eating sweets. Diabetes has always been with us, at least in the archaeological records, since Egyptian times, and we've known it's a disease about high glucose, but aside from that, there wasn't much monitoring of glucose levels until well into the 80s. Ask anyone who was diagnosed many years ago, and they will tell you stories of urine testing (sometimes, once a month, at a doctor's office), and sharpening and boiling their own needles, for sterility.

In fact... we really didn't know that diabetes was not a disease caused by eating excess sugar and sweets, until at least the early 90s. The other day, I saw a very old VHS tape for an old Vitamix blender I have acquired, and in it, they recommended diabetics substituting honey, in place of sugar. I guess in their minds, anything that was natural sugar, was not really sugar.

And here we are now... 2013. With a variety of different types of insulin, mimicking both basal and bolus outputs from our pancreas, insulin pumps and CGMs to allow us to eat with more freedom and catch hypoglycemic events, the knowledge of counting carbohydrates and the freedom to eat cake, diabetes alert dogs, and glucose meters small, sleek, or indistinguishable from an iPod, small, and painless needles... and on the thresholds of smart insulin, biohub and artificial pancreas options, and noninvasive glucose testing.

. . .

Yes. Diabetes is still hard. But we are blessed to live in 2013, and not 1913. We can see ourselves as the victims of fate, or as the blessed recipients of a grand universal lottery. Think about the kind of life you have the chance to pursue, right now... that you would have never had a chance to pursue back then. Let it sink in -- let it's blessings humble you. 

Yes... diabetes can be embarrassing. But all disease is humbling. 

Even if you never had diabetes, life is much of an embarrassing process, as well... At birth, and near death... someone has to wipe our behinds. We get old, and lose our good looks... we may get cancer, and lose our breasts, we may get alopecia, and lose our hair... We may be like Farrah Fawcett, and get colon cancer -- colon cancer. 

Illness is humbling -- for we have to accept that we are frail, that we get sick, that we get old, and yes, sometimes... that we haven't always done the best to take care of ourselves. But, can you think of anyone who has been perfect -- all of their lives? Always perfect? I know one or two who claim they were -- and you know what -- I honestly don't like them very much. For one, they are liars. They may have read the manual on living, but they haven't actually lived very much. No one learns to ride a bike from reading a book -- and thus it is with living. Some of us just have to fall a few more times, than others... and it is our beautiful, gnarly scars, which make us who we are.

I never thought of Farrah Fawcett as much of a hero -- until her war with colon cancer. And I never thought much at all, about Ryan O'Neal, until his passionate devotion to the woman he sought to wed on her deathbed. 

Don't be angry at your loved ones, beautiful person (who happens to have diabetes). It is not a matter of blame. It is not a matter of fault. Don't leave this world, and lose hope... for these massive amount of events I have listed had to have gone through... and for you to be here, in this point in time. Your loved one, well... your loved one simply LOVES you. They are in deep fear because they do not want to be without you -- at least -- not sooner than life will will. Can we blame them? 

I was angry once... at my father for (in my own warped perception) not trying harder, at life and circumstance, and God, and you name it. I was once that angry loved one... living in FEAR. Sheer fear. But, you see... for whatever reason, you are here -- in this very moment in time, and a time when you happened to meet your loved one. This is a very precious moment in time... In fact, to quote Lawrence Krauss -- a renowned Theoretical Physicist: 

“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode . . . The stars died so that you could be here today.”

Is diabetes embarrassing? Well, sometimes... But I am in fact honored to be so privileged to be alive, today... right now... Experiencing this universe, the love of friends, and family... The patter of rain on my window pains, the loving purr of my cat, and the imperfect love and friendship of that idiot that still lives here which I call my husband.

Yes, I am honored... to be living here, and living with diabetes.

Diabetic Humble Pie

It was Wednesday at 2 AM, and I couldn't sleep. I stared at the walls intently as if they held hidden messages for me; my own hieroglyphs to decipher. Suddenly, just like an omen in a bad movie, the soft light that usually bathes the bedroom's walls was gone; complete blackness engulfed everything. Five minutes later, there was light, alright... Lightning and thunder made their explosive way into the picture. The stuff usually soothes, and helps me sleep, but that wasn't going to be the case on this morning. This morning I had to rise early, and walk to work... and it was going to be a very interesting, and very wet, walk to work.

And I can't begin to tell you just how interesting. 

Let's just say I completely underestimated the situation, and thought it was just... well... an annoying moment of rain, and some fading thunder. At 4 am, though, let's just also say that some things are better left unseen. 

Most of the homes on my city's main avenue are small, and unimpressive. Not a blight, by any means, but just average homes that probably serve as 'first homes' to many newlyweds, or even some retired folks. They don't really have much in the way of yards, trees, or shrubbery, but I got to see a few fallen branches here and there, and that's common out here in Iowa during some of our Spring storms. No biggie. 

But then, you hit a slight bend up the road... and the homes become bigger, 'stately', and with sprawling large front lawns, gardens, and trees. You might even see a posh car or two, parked on a driveway; testament to how much someone, somewhere, makes. And this is where the horror began. 

Have you ever seen a a tree trunk that's, maybe, a few feet wide, in diameter? Yes? Now, have you ever seen it BENT IN HALF, like the bending of a simple tulip stem; like a Twizzler... Like it was made of rubber? Well, at this point in my walk, very MANY of the trees were in this state.

I got quite scared. The city sirens never rang that morning, and no warnings or advisories were in effect for my county. But I know quite well a few of you KNOW what this represents. Unless the Jolly Green Giant's bratty son was out and about, or Godzilla, for that matter... the only two things I know that can do this to such large trees are tornadoes, and hurricanes. And we don't have hurricanes up in the northern Midwest. 

I really didn't know if this was still happening in the vicinity... I sure didn't hear anything in the way of a "freight train" noise. But by then, I was closer to work than to home, so I tried to finish the journey as quickly as possible, and get out of harm's way. Stupid? Maybe. Later, in the papers, experts were looking into whether a tornado 'potentially' touched down in Ames. Well, you sure could've fooled me. :/ 

I was very scared, and when I get scared... I tend to get angry at the impotence of the situation. Scared of being alone, scared I have nothing to rely on to save my own behind, and very angry. I don't know why... like what could I do? Slap the sky? I guess I just want life to happen smoothly, sometimes, and not scare the crap out of me. Not force me into confrontations, or situations I don't want. I JUST WANTED TO DO WHAT I HAD PLANNED - GET TO WORK! 

But life seldom cares what we want, and we have to roll with it...

So we come to Friday, at the second job. I worked an 11-5 pm shift, and I'd been sick with a stomach virus for a few days. Really, foolish or not, I didn't have much in my stomach at that moment; I was just too scared I couldn't keep any of it down. 

Lunch rush starts at this Mexican restaurant, and I'm quickly into the groove of things, making order after order after order. It's okay...! I'm in my element! Things are going awesome... 

And then, without notice, the floor was made of lava, and I was in a movie, and people were watching me. And I was making those burritos... on a compartment, atop a roller coaster ride, and trying to hold on soooo hard to the railing. I think I thought the burritos were the railing, at one point. Everything was funny, and sooo not funny, at the same time. I got scared, and very angry.

I wanted to stop, but there was no one else there. I'm pretty knew, so people don't really know much about what I need, or don't need, and frankly... I only work a few hours, part time. I guess I foolishly thought I could get away with it. I *knew* that I was having a quite sudden, and quite low, LOW. But I couldn't stop.

"I can finish this lunch rush," I say to myself... I can. By the time rush was done, I'm sure some of my folding, and wrapping, looked as mangled as those trees on my main avenue. I was so sick feeling, and so scared... Like a person drowning, and their head rising in and out of the water. Where the hell are the jellybeans? I quickly announced I'm going on break -- whether people like it or not -- and NO ONE refused. They must've seen something in my eyes, and wisened up. 

Funny, the place is typically crawling in ho-hos, twinkies, and jelly beans... and not a damn piece of sugar was in sight. 

Luckily, I ate through 3 pieces of candy I had in my pocket (too scared to go down the greasy, steep steps to the basement, and find my purse, and get the meter and the glucose tabs), and a cup of regular soda... 30 minutes later things seemed to improve. My break was only 15. 

I will have to ask if I can keep things upstairs -- we can't really keep personal things, nor food, in the work areas. But it's going to have to be... an uncomfortable conversation. I just don't like to bring it up.

ALL I WANTED WAS TO DO MY JOB, AND FINISH, AND GO HOME. 

In the end, I took a detour through Alice's Wonderland of Diabetic Crap, and finished with a terrible headache... and NOT from the magic mushrooms. :/ 

I hate Diabetes. *&^%#! Diabetes.

Lesson: We can't exactly plan for every situation, in life. Who the heck knows when a tornado's going to come in, and rip through your lunch rush, at work... BUT we must be willing to reach out to others, and identify safe beacons along the way. Don't hurt yourself because you want to be tough, and stubborn, and stupid. Just don't. It's so not worth it... 

"One order of diabetic humble pie, please. For here." 

Go Forth... And Pursue

I love walking outdoors... in full Winter.

The cold, brisk air, cupping my cheeks; biting my lips... running it's fingers through my hair. A reminder that I need a warm embrace; a cup of hot Joe, or just... a new sweater. A reminder that I am made of flesh, and blood... of pulsing vessels: "I'm alive!" -- my body screams.

Winter is a painful lover I've come to cherish... and there are few things I love more than Winter.

You wouldn't know it by its beginning phases, though. Uncomfortable, and annoying. It often takes me great pains to get used to falling temperatures. The cumbersomeness of putting on so many clothes -- even remembering to do so. Keeping track of the &^%@! scarf and gloves; the hat. Never forget the silly hat. (I just NEVER looked good in hats. A big, fat, rounded head... hats have always been a difficult fit.) And if I had a choice, I'd just as soon avoid embracing Winter...

Oddly enough, this is how I feel about much of my life. There are just a lot of things which I hate the idea of them a lot more so than the actual, concrete form of them; the true reality of them. I'm not sure where this all began... perhaps in my father's off putting "We'll do it next week" remarks.

There were a lot of things which were always put off until "next week..." Oil painting lessons, photography lessons, writing lessons, flying lessons, trips to national parks, concerts, galleries, coupled with a few entire dismissals here and there, for volunteering to help others during national disasters, or the holidays... "We'll do it next week," he'd say. "This week, I'm busy."

But next week always came, and went; and in fact, the 'next week' never actually came at all. Thus, I missed an important lesson of sorts in my childhood, or perhaps, only learned it part-way.

"Courage," you see...

Some of us only see courage as people out there, running into burning buildings, dying in wars, or confronting the faces of evil.

But courage isn't always such a narrow thing. Courage isn't so cut and dried.

There is, a sort of, bolder kind of courage... waiting right here, in your messy living room. A courage that quietly asks "Do you want to be... who you were meant to be? Do you even want to find out? Will you even take the first step? Where are your scarf and mittens?"

As it is, I look around me, and it's a little deflating. Messy room, messy life. I've taken some of these steps before, but who am I (who are any of us, really?) to take them again? I don't just want to keep living in the hear and now, you know... as good and necessary as that is... but also... in the there, and the thereafter.

A Hero in Waiting... is What I am... 
Someone who doesn't just say "Just do it," but "Shut up, and just do it." Shuts out the insecurities, the stupid voices, the figures of the past who never bothered to build her confidence... perhaps because they had none to give. A scared... hero in waiting. Scared of big heights, and big changes, deep feelings, and challenges. Scared to express her big voice -- scared of even this very blog.

But I want to do it... Believe it, you are WORTH doing it.

You are worth...

• the oil painting lessons;
• the late blooming college degree;
• the volunteering sessions at the soup kitchen or the hospice;
• the trip to the big art gallery... 
• that book, in your heart, wanting to get written;
• the family, and the kids...
• That big love affair NO ONE believed you could be.

You are IT. You are a lot more... than this stupid diabetes disease. You are MAGICAL. You are YOU ... And as the tears just stream down my face, perhaps thinking of my challenges ahead, or perhaps... just realizing I'm the only one to say these things -- to myself, or to you -- I say again... 

You are more than Diabetes; You are MAGICAL. You are YOU. You are worth the investment. And no one is more courageous than YOU. Go forth, and pursue. 

Don't Let Diabetes Piss On Your Carpet

Photo by Joke du Jour

Diabetes is a LOT of responsibility. It's like suddenly being forced to have a crazed pet that you never intended on having, that you CAN'T say 'no thanks' to, that you CAN'T give back, and that it's not even cute! It's an attention whore, it's expensive (the feeding it, taking it to the vet, getting it appropriate gear, appropriate medical tests, etc.), and if you don't control it, it goes off tearing up all the rooms in your house, destroying your toilette paper, pissing on your carpet, and ruining your good shoes. It will especially do these things when you're NOT paying attention; when you're away, and your mind's focused on other things, and often, BECAUSE your mind is focused on other things.  

"You're crazy, Liz... How can Diabetes piss on my carpet??"

... Well, maybe not literally... :)

But every time you ignore your diabetes, or the longer you have lived with the struggle of controlling high blood glucose, it's a little bit like Diabetes is running amok in your blood stream. High blood glucose levels are more than just a little inconvenience -- aside from the dehydration, and morning after hangover feelings, and mood swings -- they can slowly cause damage to the many nerves, capillaries, and blood vessels that support, connect, and feed our organs; they can damage our organs themselves. If we don't do our best to control Diabetes, it can, potentially, really get out of hand. It can, figuratively, piss on your carpet.

It's because of this potential 'havoc' that there are many areas of our overall health that we must monitor, like our heart, our feet, our kidneys, our eyes, our teeth, etc.  Finding the time, commitment, money, and insurance coverage support to care for all of these can be challenging, and sometimes intimidating.

Now imagine having to do all of this... without health insurance.

....

Welcome to MY world.

When you are Diabetic, and have NO health insurance, it can be easy to emotionally 'give up' with the mounting pressures of managing an expensive disease, and it can be easy to feel guilty that you can't have some of the things you need; you can become a bit complacent.  But I want you to stop right there, and don't feel sorry for yourself: the internet is your friend. Repeat after me: THE INTERNET IS YOUR FRIEND. Make sure to do research, every day, and scour the very ends of the vast internet arena for some answers.  Do NOT take no for an answer, do NOT stop looking, and never, EVER, give up.  Just because some people out there may think that people like you, and me, should die without any appropriate care (because of their own misinformed, personal biases), does NOT mean that everyone else feels this way.  Just because our health care system is broken, and because some doctors may work just for money, does not mean that there aren't doctors are out there, volunteering and sacrificing, every day... honoring their Hippocratic Oath. LOOK for them.

Enter the American Optometric Association.

For some time now, since before diagnosis, I've been experiencing eye flashes, either on my left eye (most aggressively), and sometimes, on my right eye.  I've been somewhat scared.  A cousin of mine who lives too far away to visit, and is an optometrist, told me I needed to get to an eye doctor immediately because this was a potential retinal tear. All the what ifs started running through my mind... what if I was diagnosed just a bit too shy of being able to avoid complications? What if this is the start of retinopathy? What if all of this is going to send me into BANKRUPTCY?!

Well...  The American Optometric Association has a program called "Vision USA," through which volunteer Optometrists have helped hundreds of thousands of low income families since 1991 with basic eye care. Just some basic eye exams, and some good ol' love for their fellow human beings. Basic eye care can go a long way into catching issues early, and preventing further complications from some gone ignored. I would have NEVER known about this, had I not done a little googling and filled out some forms. Vision USA helped pair me up with an eye doctor just BLOCKS from where I live, and that doctor did  more than just some basic eye tests... He did extensive tests on me, including a dilated pupil eye exam, today, FOR FREE. To further my peace of mind, all my tests came out great.  For now, at least, there's NOTHING wrong with my vision that can't, perhaps, be attributed to exhaustion, or aging... And that's worth a LOT for me to hear.

When every little penny pinched counts... there are just not enough ways to say THANK YOU.  Thank you SO MUCH.

And when your diabetes pet wants to piss on your carpet... don't fret; get on the 'net.  Whether it's for emotional support, or volunteer help... You are NOT alone.