World Diabetes Day, and Four Years of Living with Diabetes

Hello sweet peeps! It's about that time of the year again! Diabetes awareness month is fast approaching... and with it will come another year of living with diabetes, for me. November 17th will mark my four year anniversary of living with this insidious disease.

What will you do for diabetes awareness month? Will you wear a diabetes awareness pin? Will you hand out fliers, or educational materials? Will you donate money to the cause, or participate in a walk? Will you help the International Diabetes Federation light up a building blue? There are so many things we could do. I was considering making little educational booklets for the recently diagnosed type 2 diabetic, being as there is often so little information given to patients. This might take me a little time, and expense... but it's a goal I have. 

November is also a month in which I contemplate my life with diabetes: Where am I? Where am I going? Am I where I want to be? What have I learned about myself. 

Through my four years of living with diabetes, I've gone through several approaches as to how to manage and cope. From stricter, to less so, to more of a balanced and moderate approach. I've had to sit down and think long and hard about my attitudes toward food, weight loss, and how I was emotionally comforting myself. For a while, I practiced extreme low carbing, and realized it was not the best approach for me: it was not financially doable, plus it was also not realistic as to enjoying life with others in social situations. And well... I just dislike almond flour and excess fat. Now, I love the approach of eating with awareness, or intuitive eating, but I must be aware that as a person with diabetes, I must mind my level of carbohydrate consumption, as well as some of my calories, so I still needed to put some limitations on myself. 

So far, I've come to a place where I practice a sort of hybrid of both: I try not to eat more than 400 calories per main meal (I'm only 4'9... I really don't need that many calories), and then I eat my meals with awareness, so I may not end up eating that whole meal, if I don't feel like it. I can be one of those people who eat distractedly, or emotionally, so if I 'fail' to stop where I want, at least I won't have eaten a lot more than 400 calories in one sitting meal. If I am physically hungry and need more food than this, I'll eat it. I try to do this approach of mindful eating when I'm in restaurants, too. If I can, I will order less of the regular portion, or box away half of the portion, etc., adding veggies or side salads, helping to balance things out, as well. I generally don't like to take portions home.  

I've started trying to cut ties with certain foods, not because I can't have them, but to reduce my cravings for them, while increasing my appetite for others. It has given me quite a bit of freedom in my walk with diabetes... leaving some foods to rare occasions. I won't say what these foods are: I think that's irrelevant, really. What those foods are, could be different for everyone. It's the concept that matters. 

I am fortunate right now, that I have a very physical job at a restaurant, and I get quite a bit of exercise running around a busy dining room all day, and often lifting heavy things. I should add more physical activity to my life, though, as I go along. And this won't be too difficult to do. I just need to schedule it in, and go do it. 

Pacing myself with weight loss has also been another big lesson. When I first was diagnosed with diabetes, I was in such a hurry to lose weight and be healthy -- I was so scared of this disease. I did manage to go from 243 lbs down to 170, which was a great accomplishment, but it left me feeling tired, deprived and trapped by having diabetes. It made me burnt out. Eventually, I yo-yo'ed a lot with my weight, gaining and losing weight quite a few times, up to reaching 226 lbs again. I am now, presently at 183 lbs... and losing slowly, and as peacefully as possible. Even us advocates need to be reminded that this is not a sprint, but a marathon; that we need to pace ourselves along the way. Love ourselves along the way. It is hard to feel much love for life, ourselves, or any peace with diabetes, when one is pursuing strict, short term solutions, to long term problems. This rocky relationship brings moodiness as well; depression, anger, eventual high blood sugars, and further uncontrolled emotions.  

Diabetes has been for me then, a deep exercise in introspection: a deep learning to pay attention to my needs, to want those things I'm doing for myself, to love and desire to be healthy, and in good spirits. It is the courage to look at what we want in the face, versus what we need... and to turn what we need into what we want.  

Not Quite a Wordless Wednesday: food IS love

I don't really care for Valentine's Day.

You know how it goes. The heavy pressure on that romantic aspect of our lives, that may or may not, live up to "Sense and Sensibility" expectations. The courting, the chocolates, the flowers, the glittery stuff. The "proposals" and declarations. Bah. Humbug. It was enough to make some of my dearest friends... 'joyfully' declare their mood of choice for the holiday, by getting creative on Facebook...

(I have to admit, since I also dislike romance novels,
I thoroughly enjoyed this little creation.)

So... though I do the usual, quiet penance at home with the husband, I can't say I focus very much on Valentine's Day. I certainly don't think of walking away with any sort of "wordless Wednesday lessons," if you would. What's to learn? Materialism? Impossible-to-live-to expectations? Yeah, so one would think. (I don't even have any kids, so I can't make this post about them! lol)

Often, though, life quietly speaks to us in it's own way... especially when our hearts are open, and not just open to diamonds, or chocolates, and other distractions and materialisms, but open to what's TRULY being expressed... by fate? God? The universe? Your own inner self? Perhaps. But, maybe... Just maybe... Valentine's Day needs to be a bit more "selfish" than it already is, you see. Valentine's Day should be about the one love that actually matters more than almost any love out there: self love. Yes, not the kind of self love that goes around expecting what can I get from others... but the kind of self love that goes around expecting what can I get from MYSELF. 

The little image, above... the heart made of wholesome food. That was IT. That was all Valentine's Day had to give me, yesterday. And it gave me a LOT; more than I could have imagined. A random posting of sorts, shared by a stranger, with entirely different intentions.

Food is love.

For me, food has always been love (even though I sort of dislike food). Just, perhaps, not the right kind of love.

Like any other person struggling with binge eating, and disordered eating, I tend to, unwittingly, look for love in food. I tend to want to FEEL things from the food I eat -- comfort, enjoyment, 'numbing' of bad feelings, friendship, avoidance of issues, appeasing of bad memories, etc, etc. Often, I've tried, again and again, to replace the love that others would not give me, or the missing attention from parents... with food, or bury whatever awful life traumas, underneath it.

Often, this is termed "When Food is Love."

Recently, though, I've been quietly asking myself... what if I can just change that definition around? What if food can still be love, but, from a different angle?

The image above gave me the answer. It almost literally screamed it:

"You can do more than just THINK you're getting emotional support from food... you can actually LOVE YOURSELF with food. Good food. Quality food... HEALTHY FOOD. To show yourself love with proper nourishment is the purest form of self love... Be very selfish with it. Do not abuse it, and do not entrust it to just any food. Treasure it."

When we thoroughly manage our health and give ourselves quality foods that make us FEEL healthy, able bodied, and able minded, capable of taking on the world, of thinking, and making proper decisions... When we give ourselves foods that don't just fuel our bodies, but make our hearts sing because they are wholesome and tasty, and FULFILLING, and in more than just temporary emotions we might feel... But also in HEALTHY emotions we may anticipate because we've put effort into making such meals, and invested in ourselves, as we would in our children... We are literally, feeding ourselves love. We ARE our children. We ARE our loved ones.

It's not a diet, it's not a "healthy lifestyle..." It is SELF LOVE. It is simply... Loving Yourself.  

Work on loving yourself, today. You'll be glad you did.

Lessons from the Butter Incident

I love comedies. Satires, in particular. Some of the greatest of life lessons were buried deep within satirical works of literature, theater, and film. We laugh through them, but seldom do we stop to consider the valuable nuggets we've been just given.

In respect to filmography, what are probably two of my most favorite scenes are: Cher's observations to her friend Tai, about Monet paintings, in the movie "Clueless"; and Cameron's enthrallment with the little girl in Georges Seurat's "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte," in the movie "Ferri's Bueller's Day Off."

These two scenes loosely mold a certain view I hold about life: Upon close examination, our lives are one, big, muddy mess; only from a distance, can we truly appreciate the elaborate works of art they have become --  black splotches and all. Just because we can't see the big picture now, does not mean there isn't one.

This week has been no different, for me.

The fact is, the diabetic online community painted a pretty big canvas, this week. Some used dark, somber, depressing hues. Some used vibrant, optimistic shades. In the end, we formed something. A message, quite loud, and clear. Emotions, and watercolors were mixed, and something out there... was soon formed... that when I step back, it's quite the masterpiece.

Diabetics are TIRED... 

• Of fear mongering, population targeting, and misinformation in the media: Yes, non-communicable health conditions are dangerous, and they need a certain level of awareness; NO, they don't benefit from overly inflated, statistical research, aimed at scaring to death, targeting, humiliating, and laying blame on certain populations. This kind of environment only engenders animosity, a lack of empathy, and persecution, as well as breeding depression in those affected.
• Of the same, stereotypical, awareness figures: Yes, diabetes can affect an aging, overweight population... But it can affect everyone else, as well! So many of us are NOT old, or overweight. Many of us are young, active, healthy, athletes even. (Yes, even many Type 2s!) Why not showcase people who have worked WONDERS in spite of diabetes? People who can garner our pride, and our motivation? People who are not clueless, but veterans at this game.
• Of the same, stereotypical, awareness messages: Diabetics don't need to follow a 60% carbohydrate diet, in order to do well. Diabetics can be low carbers, vegans, moderate eaters, athletes who consume even more carbohydrates than this. We come in all shapes, and sizes, and we don't live by a chart... We live by what our glucose meters tell us! The sheer mention of a new diabetes cookbook out there really enrages most diligent diabetics... because we KNOW it's a lot of bunk. There's no such thing as a diabetic diet, and there are so many stupid notions out there to even recap in this little post (like that everything needs to be low fat), that I won't even go there.
• Of the insincere profiting from our disease: Of cheesy product marketing, cook books, miracle cures, and scam artists. Of medications and treatments that cost an arm and a leg, accessories that cost an arm and a leg, and tools that are kept from folks who need them because only those who are privileged to good health insurance, or a good income, can access. 
• Of the FDA: Famous for slowing down progress in what many deem as necessary advances, and tools in our community, yet the fast trackers of so many dangerous drugs, at the same time. Oh, why, FDA, must you not advance progress on something like a more accurate blood glucose meter... but you are eager to fast track yet another drug before we are fully ascertained of all it's risks in a certain population? (You know, this didn't use to be like this... I guess back in the 80s we complained the slowness of medication approval killed people... I can see it in certain diseases, etc, but I'm not so sure the dangers outweigh the risks, in diabetes. If Victoza sucks... it's no one's fault but Novo Nordisk's, and the FDA's.)
• Of the constant social equation behind having Diabetes: 
• Diabetes needs psycho-social support. It's one of those conditions that just incredibly grips at the heart of where we are the most connected to one another -- the social connections and moments that, though sometimes centered around food, nourish our souls and our relationships.
• Of just the entire need to JUSTIFY ourselves, and who we are, and what we are to outsiders. The road to self acceptance, and the personal acceptance of others as diabetics (and whatever their stories) is a MARATHON... often with thorny roses, along the way. 
• Of the lack of progress on these issues, and the lack of change: This same old tired song and dance is being played upon our diabetic lives, over, and over... and over again.  

But at the same time... Diabetics are TIRELESS... 

• Optimists: We can see the light in any shade of gray; we can see how a bad can work for a good. We can see a blessing in what might otherwise be a terrible curse.
• Advocates: We will go wherever, whenever. Our words will ring true. We will go out, and educate anyone, write letters, write blogs, create societies, start petitions, groups, online social media, make personal appeals, teach. All under almost any circumstances: flooded homes, lack of sleep, weekend warriors. We will NEVER stop.
• Friends: An ear, and a shoulder, for those to cry on, to garner knowledge from, experience from, a virtual hug to embrace, a meet-up to get excited about... REGARDLESS of type. We are the secret society we have made for ourselves, that's not so secret, and we're eager (though bitterly so) to welcome you on board. 
• Hopefuls: People who look into their loved ones eyes, and will NEVER lose their faith, their dreams... their visions... their drive. The reasons to keep trying, to fight for tomorrow, to wake up for TODAY. 
• Supporters: Because it doesn't matter who, what, when, or how... tries to hurt you, or put you down... we will ALWAYS have your back. Always. Even if you're old, not so perfect, not so fit, not an athlete, in denial... and cook with butter. 

This week... I truly learned the AWE inspiring embrace of the D O C. 

If you are battling diabetes all on your own, I would like to truly urge you to consider, even if only as a fly on the wall, becoming a member of the diabetic online community. No need to blog, no need to be OUT there. But even just reading blogs like this, or attending Diabetes Social Media Advocacy night, on Twitter (Wednesdays, at 8 pm CST/9pm EST), will do SO MUCH for your well being. You NEED psycho-social support. Your social environment may want you to be alone with your disease, but you DON'T HAVE TO BE. You are NOT alone. EVER. You can do this thing. Come walk through life with us. Your shoes might be different, but when they walk beside mine... They make that long road... oh so nice. (We have plenty of extra blue shoes to spare.) 

For Further Reading:

"She's Got Diabetes, Now, Y'All!, Saturday, January 14th, 2012